Paramount Pictures has been ordered to pay $18 million to a woman who suffered brain damage as a result of a stunt-gone-wrong during the filming of Transformers. No reports yet on whether Paramount will have to compensate everyone who suffered brain damage as a result of seeing the movie.
- Ben Vernel
Kevin Costner is set to release a new music album for an upcoming series. Early reports suggest that the album will cost $800M to make and will be very similar to the soundtrack of Mad Max.
Big Bang Theory star Jim Parsons has announced that he is gay. No fucking shit, Parsons, you really think you needed to make an announcement?
Gina Rinehart was named the richest woman in the world by BRW this week. Professors of literacy have amended the old adage “Nice Guys Finish Last” to “Cunty Women Finish First”.
- Bert Maverick
NASA ends aging space shuttle program. Russia claims space race was actually a marathon, and “we won, bitches!”
Scientist discovers miracle cure for aids and wait, wait, no the microscope was just out of focus. Okay, it’s still there. False alarm guys.
Vatican announces release of new gospel documenting Christ’s controversial teenage years. Church leaders hope this will help them break into profitable ‘young adult’ market.
Due to an accounting error, shortly after Facebook shares went up for sale, the company purchased itself. Zuckerburg said “we have a lot of big ideas for Facebook, and feel it will make an excellent addition to the Facebook family.”
- Tom Lang
A plane was forced to turn back to Melbourne for an emergency landing when a soft drink can with the word “BOMB” written on it was found on board. The next time I fly, I’ll think twice before bringing a bag of these on board.
- Jennifer Law
A Telstra site was hacked this week, affecting 35,000 of its customers. Subsequent reports of slow loading, drop-outs and terrible customer service show that things were running normally again soon afterwards.
Initial reports that Mercedes Corby was thrilled that her sister Schapelle had been granted clemency were delayed, as reporters just assumed that ‘Clemency’ was another family member.
Craig Thomson maintained his innocence when reports surfaced that a prostitute had come forward to A Current Affair. “She came sideways when I met her”, Thomson said in his defence.
- Jo Thornely
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