Dear The Madonna,

I quite like you. I care deeply about you and your career. I would never give you hydrangeas. We could get along well, yoü and I. Speaking of yoü and I, what is your beef with the Lady Of Gaga? I saw her concert recently and she was not being reductive like you said. She had an animatronic horse! Pretty cool. Don’t be hating on her. Embrace her. She’s quite small, you could give her a big strong embrace with your arm things. Are you jealous because she’s more successful on Twitter? Sometimes I envy her for that. I mean, she logs on and asks her Monsters how they are and then she will only reply to one. What’s with that? I guess it’s slightly reductive. That word is catching on. You have started a trend, Madgey. Can I call you that? Just open your heart to the Gagz. It will be good for your image. I can hear the similarities between ‘La Isla Bonita’ and ‘Alejandro’ but just be thankful it was Gaga that wanted the bass line and not will.i.am.

I hope you are taking me seriously. I am genuinely trying to help you because you are so talented and people should like you more. My iPod even refuses to sync your music! This sorcery needs to be undone. I am going to change your world one hater at a time.

I think part of the problem is that people are still scared of you after what you did to that poor little old lady in the car for the ‘What It Feels Like For A Girl’ clip. I like the song and I like the message in it BUT YOU SCARED THE LIFE OUT OF ME, MADGEY. I get it. Girls can be as hardcore as guys. Jessie J managed to give us that same message without having to freak out someone’s gran. However, she did use a meth lab in her clip so maybe gran was a slightly better option. I’m just saying grans are not the only props you can use to express your strong, independent self. Get your nipples out like the boys do. Oh.

Even though you are obviously a good performer with nice body bits, not everyone focuses on that. You have so many haters, my dear Madgey. I can’t help but think you could have prevented this by agreeing to work with French & Saunders all those years ago. I just think you need to interact with the people more. We want to know you! You can’t be as evil as the media make us think you are.

My advice will serve you well. I know I haven’t performed at a Super Bowl but I have watched. I know what the people want because I am a people. How much more accurate can advice get? I am here for you and I am forever defending your right to bounce around in a unitard making lovely tunes.

Reasons why you are good:

The rasp in your voice when you sang ‘Papa Don’t Preach’.

My cats like you. I think one of them secretly wishes he was you because I sometimes catch him voguing and he’s always like “WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?”

I use ‘Justify My Love’ to punk my neighbours into thinking I get all of the action.

You are good at books.

Cones.

See, there are heaps of reasons to like you. I want you to be the very best you that you can be! This will require whipped cream and lyrics about turtles. Don’t ask questions.

Enjoy your career improvements!

Lots of love from Tessa xox

Ps. Dye your eyebrows purple. It will help your image, especially with the turtle song. Don’t ask questions.

fan mail, gaga, madonna, muscles, turtles