Dear Miss LiLo,
Hello. Are you behaving yourself? I hope so. Sometimes I worry about you, but then you get better and I stop worrying. Then you start acting up again and I worry some more. You are toying with my emotions, LiLo! I can’t handle this no more. I have no idea how you do it. What attracts you to that lifestyle? That shit has gone far enough! I care about you. I hope your career is going well. I heard you had some bother with a truck and also being unconscious in a hotel. That is not so good.
Also I hear you’ve been partying with the Lady of Gaga. She is a very good role model because she has many unicorns. Just like they always say, “The more unicorns you have in your life, the more movies you’ll be offered.” Yes they do. Yes they do. Shut up. Stick with her because she will help you and you might get a free unicorn so that is a plus. Just make sure you don’t go galloping too far with your unicorn if you get one of those ankle monitors again. They will come after you. Them with the powers. They’ve got it in for you. I didn’t want you to find out like this but there is a whole operation dedicated to capturing you. I was approached by a fellow human being who is completely real and they told me that the LiLo must hide in Tessa Ryan’s house and dance for her if she insists. She does insist. The dungeon is being set up as we speak. It’s pretty close to being ready for you to move in so just get your things sorted and be here at the end of the week. BYO blankets, toothpaste and feathery outfits (for the dancing).
This will be a really good career move, I can see it now. You will be so safe with me, just living under my house. No one even comes to my above-ground house so no one will see you. Just me. Through cameras. I have put cameras in the dungeon to make sure you aren’t getting all mischievous in there. To be honest, I don’t mind mischief but I just want to help you get your life in order. If you behave I might let you come into the lounge but not for too long in case a police officer drives past my house and sees you through the window. If you ask nicely I will shut the curtains and you can feel safe.
We can totally decorate the dungeon with glitter or whatever you are into. We can have pink Wednesdays but not Fridays because I already have plans with Nicki Minaj. Sorry. I can buy some streamers and write ‘LiLo’s Housewarming’ on them. Do you want that? Sounds pretty cool. I hope you don’t eat meat.
I will teach you things about Australia. Do you know how many koalas we have? Come to my house and I will tell you. You can learn the Australian accent. It will sound so funny and we will do all of the laughs. I will buy you some thongs. Either kind. Don’t ask questions, just go with it. You can meet my cats as well. They also wear pink on Wednesdays.
Do you like Parks and Recreation? What about soup? I have both.
If you have a onesie you should bring that so we can dress up and tackle each other and it will look so funny. We can put it on YouTube! I’m so excited for us to be roomies. I will look after you so well and we will be the best of friends. But don’t tell anyone that this is happening because people will be all up in our business trying to take you away or something. You can tell your hot friends if you want. Tell them I have Parks and Rec. Tell them to bring onesies. Or nonesies AM I RIGHT? Probably.
I look forward to seeing you. I’m just going to clean the cat mess out of the dungeon area so it smells nice when you get here.
Much of the loving from Tessa xox