Now I’m not too sure what kind of reader I will attract with that title but it does have some purpose because, well, grandma porn is kind of what my article is about. I would have titled it something clever or witty but I thought it would be better to be direct on a topic like this. After all, I don’t want to “trick” someone into reading about granny porn. I need people who can stomach it. Imagine if I titled it  something like “Fun Activities for Grandma”, I would have attracted people that were so innocent and young and optimistic who were looking for a list of activities that would perhaps prolong neurological health. And they would be left feeling digusted. Like when you think you’re about to watch a good movie and then find out Kristen Stewart is in it. But don’t worry too much, I’m not going to pour out any graphic details because I actually haven’t seen it. I’m just sharing a story which got me to think about “it”. So if you’re still reading this, I’m going to assume that you are not a sicko and just open-minded. Yes. Open-minded. That will do.

So, there is a security guard at my work who would be somewhere in his 50′s. Being fairly ‘mature’, he has adventured far and wide, met many different people, made his mistakes, learnt valuable life lessons and, quite simply, is just full of knowledge and wisdom. He is the kind of guy who knows something about everything. Because of this, I try to keep conversations short. Give him a bit of leeway and you’re stuck in an hour-plus conversation about how the blue-ringed octopus has a small parrot-like peak, which can bite and kill a human being within minutes. BRO. Should I be writing this down ?!

He must get bored guarding the front doors, particularly  on slow days, because he would often come in and talk to the workers to kill a bit of time.  Being so full of knowledge and having conversation at the ready, he would strategically converse in a way which encouraged continuation. You know those people. They will say something like “Gosh, I’ve been so busy today” so you’re left obliged to ask ’Why? Why are you ever so busy on a day like today?‘

As he clearly chose me as his victim, I said “Hey, What’s up” but in a hey-i-don’t-really-give-a-shit-what’s-up-this-is-just-a-rhetorical-question kind of way. In which he predictably replied “Oh nothing much. It’s been fairly quiet today, but yeah, interesting morning”. I knew I was getting sucked into a long enduring conversation but I figured it would be better than watching the clock so I caved in and asked “What happened?”.

He told me that he received an email from an old friend (they used to be best friends while growing up but his friend moved overseas so now they just keep in contact through email). As it turns out, his friend’s mum is a porn star. As it turns out even more-er, his friend also sent him a clip from her newest movie. I should mention he is telling me this in a very jokey and casual way and we shared a few laughs over it, but I would love to have known how that email went:

Hey,

Sorry I haven’t emailed in a while. Just been super busy settling into the new job. More money but more work. You know how it is.

How’s everything on your end?

Oh and here is the video I was telling you about where my mum is having meaningless sex with two guys.
Check out her O face. LOL!

Cheers,
Greg.

The security guard went on to explain “Her husband died 5 years ago. She’s 70 years old and living alone. And now she’s having sex with guys in their 20′s. She’s on a pension, but they don’t get that much money and now she’s earning around $500,000 a year. She’s actually quite popular.”

Now, I wasn’t really surprised by the fact that a 70 year old woman is still doing it. Like Celebrity Apprentice, it’s one of those things that you know is happening somewhere in the world, but you just don’t want to ever come across it on your TV screen. I mean, surely a grandmother cannot be that flexible. What could she offer that would be more exciting than regular porn? And did I mention SHE IS 70 YEARS OLD? That means, in order to look good for her age she would have to look 60.

I could see why such activities would appeal to the mama cougar. It definitely has its err… ‘perks’ and by all means, its her prerogative – if that’s what she wants to do, good on her. She is definitely old enough to be making decisions for herself. But what I found odd was the fact that her son was not only watching these videos but also sharing them with his mates.

“So, her son doesn’t mind?” I stupidly asked (because passing on her videos didn’t exactly scream consenting child for me yet). The guard replied “Nar, he’s proud of her and the money she’s bringing in”, but I think he must of picked up on my but it’s still weird vibe, because he quickly added “….he’s American”. I love how labeling anything ‘American’ is a suitable explanation for something being fucked up:

PERSON 1 : Hey, what are you watching?

PERSON 2: The Littlest Groom

PERSON 1: What’s that?

PERSON 2: It’s this reality show right, and there’s a group of tiny bachelorettes who have to compete against average sized woman for the heart of a 4-foot-5 bachelor.

PERSON 1:  WHAT. THE. HELL.

PERSON 2: ….. it’s American

As the conversation went on, I became more curious (I guess I’m just fucked up/American like that, that I can find humour in anything). “So…….did you like…….. watch it?”. Hell yeah, I went there.  The guard said that he watched it only for a couple of minutes “out of curiosity”. Ahh yes. Curiosity. The cornerstone of every bad decision in life.

I just left the conversation there as if I actually believed him, because the awkward silence gave me time to realise that I have just been discussing sex, porn, the porn industry and the American economy with a man older than my dad, who has possibly just finished watching his best friend’s mum fornicate with a guy (perhaps multiple guys) 50 years her junior. “Well, I better get back to work” and I ran. And I never looked back.

But my over-obsessive mind couldn’t stop thinking about it. Not it “it”, but like about it. I was like a child who just learnt about the birds and the bees but was still curious how it worked. Like what kind of story lines would they have? Was she casually knitting away when suddenly the yarn ball fell from her fragile hands and rolled away along the floor until it stopped, wedged against the floor by a foot. The camera then rolls up and there stand a mysterious young man, who flirtily ask “Is this hard yarn ball for you?”

I went through all these hypothetical situations:

Does he scream, “Hit me! Hit me like you just caught me running across your lawn!” ?

Does she yell, “Shout dirty to me!” ?

Does she make him take his hat off before he enters?

Would she lick chocolate off him if she wasn’t watching her sugar levels?

During their promiscuous acts, does she question, “What do you mean I have acute angina?”

Clearly, I’m not a porn expert. But I also wondered what the movie would have been called. The best I could come up with was ‘The Gran Opening’.

….and I wonder why people think I’m weird.