As a teenager, I don’t know a lot, but if there’s one thing I know about, it’s how to get drunk.

I have been drinking alcohol since the age of fourteen and enjoying the taste of it since never. Although the other day, someone introduced me to Frangelico, but I’ve noticed the nicer something tastes, the more likely it is to punch your bank balance in the face. So Frangelico, you can piss off, along with your preppy-ass friends Baileys, Midori and Kahlua. Go back to your shelf-mansion and have a little tea party and cry about how you can’t hang out with the cool kids, Vodka, Beer and Goon.

Sorry, did I to mention that my parents were addicts so as a child I role played with empty bottles of alcohol instead of toys? No? Good, because if I did I would definitely be lying. I played with Barbies like the middle class half Japanese girl that I am, now let’s move on.

All lies and facts aside, the goal usually is to get so smashed that the taste of alcohol shouldn’t even matter any more.

To be successfully drunk you need to have friends, alcohol and the right mindset. That’s basically it. I say this because getting drunk alone is super sad. Especially when you’re 18, it’s midnight on a Saturday and you start having flashbacks of when you were four years old and got turned on by that mouse in Thumbelina. That’s what happens when you drink by yourself, you remember what it was like to be a toddler who was sexually attracted to a vaguely slutty cartoon rodent. You also feel very alone, because well, you are.

Getting crunk with friends ensures that there is someone to help you feel better even if you are sad. These friends of yours should know your favourite song, your ‘type’ of boy/girl and should lend you money for a kebab when you spend all your dosh on boozing. Also, hanging out with friends is generally a fun thing, and alcohol can tend to enhance it so if you successfully get wasted you will find yourself drowning in an orgy of serotonin!

That said, you should also start drinking when you’re in a good mood. Alcohol is a depressant which means if you’re not feeling too hot you are likely to get melancholy, which ends in crying, going home early and ruining your friends’ night. Just remember, people don’t buy sad people kebabs. It should be your number one motto. That and YOLO! And Hakuna Matata because guess what, you’re drunk and every motto is your number one motto!

Through countless experiments I have probably mass murdered about 50 billion brain cells. It would be tasteless to make a joke about the Holocaust here, but let’s face it if brain cells were human, when you go drinking you’re worse than Hitler and Stalin combined. You’re the Pot Pol of brain cell Cambodia. This really awful dictator comparison serves to say ‘Getting drunk is going to make you a complete asshole’. But you know what? Being an asshole is fun. It’s the best! Alcohol doesn’t actually kill all your brain cells, only the Fun Police brain cells and nobody likes the Fun Police.

The Fun Police stop you from the following things: being happy, monitoring your drink intake, being happy, dancing, hooking up, having dignity, being happy and lastly being happy. While the Fun Police might sometimes say ‘Your boobs are hanging out’ or ‘That girl is actually a 3, not a 7’, and sometimes ask questions like ‘Where are you?’ or ‘Do you really think it’s a good idea to smoke crack?’ they are not integral and often prevent good times from happening. Like remember when you made out with that General Pants model? Or when you won that twerking contest, even though you are super uncoordinated and not African American? Those were good times! No thanks to the fun police!

And if you do end up regretful of your actions it is important to remember that everyone does dumb things when they’re drunk, even really dignified people. Seriously, I’m sure Kate Middleton has sucked a few royal dicks in a toilet cubicle at a college party. In fact, I’m pretty sure that one day cute-as-a-button little sailor girl Jessica Watson will find herself end up at a house party trying to smoke a cigarette with her pussy. And when it does, I hope it makes the news so I can say, I told you so.

But that’s all fine. It’s all part of the process; the process known as getting drunk.