I’ll admit it. I like to give standing ovations. And I like to do it all the time, whenever I can.
People say I am too generous with my standing ovations. But to them I say, how can someone be TOO generous? That’s like saying you’re too charitable or too brave or have too many fish tanks. It’s impossible!
Friends will say to me, “Come on man, the play you went to can’t have been THAT good.” But how do they know? They’ve never seen ANY of St Joseph’s Primary’s productions.
It doesn’t even have to be a performance, per se. If something is great, which it almost always is, I give it the praise it deserves. I bang my hands together and shout, “Bravo! Brava! Bravi!” Even if it means being told to please leave the shopping centre, sir, the children lined up to meet Santa Claus are getting scared.
If I read an article in a magazine that I’ve enjoyed, I find the journalist on Twitter and send him or her a video of myself giving them a standing ovation. And if they ever write back saying, “Is this a joke?” I reply, “Haha, yes of course it is!” because what do I know? They’re the hotshot journalist.
It’s the same with a book. When I finish a novel, I’ll stand right up from my chair and clap as loudly as I can. I know the author can’t hear me — I’m not stupid. I give the book a standing ovation so that everyone around me knows I’ve enjoyed what I’ve just read, which might inspire them to read the same thing — even if the only person around me is my three-year-old nephew, who I’m supposed to be watching.
To be honest, my nephew usually doesn’t pay much attention to my standing ovations. He likes to just sit in front of my wall of fish tanks, which seems to hold his gaze for a few hours. Then I look at the wall and give myself a standing ovation for such a nice array of fish tanks.
(Side bar: Some people have asked me why I have so many fish tanks. My response is: why do you have so many pimples, uglyface? And I’ll put some fish in them when I’m good and ready, thank you very much.)
Where was I? Oh yes, standing ovations. I’ll give standing ovations to people in the service industry too. Like just today when I had my lunch at the café. I stood up and applauded, loud and clear, just so the lady who made my sandwich would feel appreciated. Sure, I asked for a salad — but the ham sandwich was still magnificent. Well, I assume it was — I’m a vegan, so I only ate the bread (which was tremendous).
By now you should be able to guess what happens when I go to the cinema. That’s right — at the end I give an ovation of the standing variety. However, not in all movies. Just recently I saw The Dark Knight Rises. Not a standing ovation movie at all.
Barely a fish tank in it.