Resident Evil 5 is due to be released soon. Yes, you read that correctly, your computer is not display “S” incorrectly, that is a numerical five. I think I managed to incorporate what is essentially a bad handwriting joke pretty well there, so goodnight everybody!

Here’s a series that has gone on so long, even George Lucas, who is notorious for starting the stampede which tramples his own intellectual properties to death, has cried out “enough!” (actual quote, sourced directly by me. I mean he must have yelled out “enough” at least once in his life, right?). I can only imagine the pitch meetings for these movies now consist entirely of people with little else to do with their time begging “we’ll do better this time, we promise!”

I say soon (it’s actually September) because I’m not going subject myself to that stupidity no matter when it is released. I could be old and senile and not know what’s going on, and still know you’ve put that movie on, and hate you for it. But Resident Evil 5 gives me a chance to talk about Zombie movies, as incredibly tenuous as that link could prove to be.

If you’re that desperate for specific Resident Evil jokes, come back in September and read these ones I’ve prepared earlier. I’m sure they’ll be just as relevant.

LESSON 1: SOMETHING SOMETHING ZOMBIE. SOMETHING SOMETHING MILLA JOVOVICH’S ASS. SOMETHING SOMETHING BAD PUN ABOUT MORE LIKE CITIZEN EVIL. SARCASM SARCASM BITTERNESS. THAT’S HOW THESE THINGS GO, RIGHT?

- Milla Jovovich is super sexy in this, because teenage boys. I mean, they don’t directly contribute to her attractiveness in any way, but she’s sexy in it because that’s what the audience demands.

My point is, it’s weird her husband is directing this. It’s awesome that he’s getting her best angles, if anybody is going to make a film which perves on the lead actress, make her husband the director by all means. But you still feel a little uncomfortable knowing that he’s helping you look at her like that. Kind of like your catching your parents having sex; it’s gross, but it’s still sex, amiright?

- GOOD GRAVY I am absolutely not right. Who in the hell would use an example like that?

- Anyway, entire countries don’t turn to desert just because you stop looking after basic infrastructure you guys.

- Also I know SWAT company policy might encourage diversity, but this is like the Noah’s Ark of insertion teams.

- Whoever decided to make the computer’s hologram display a little girl, you’ve been watching too much The Exorcism, and should probably see someone about that.

- Jeez I’m still disturbed about that parents having sex joke. What the hell was I thinking?

- Lesson? Never write jokes about your parents having sex, because they are never funny ever.

- How come guns are that easy to come by whenever there’s a Zombie outbreak? Like America is just itching for either that eventuality, or another civil war.

- Why the hell are you inventing a virus that turns people into Zombies anyway? I’m no scientist, but I don’t think you can somehow get from cancer cure to mutating serum in a few easy steps.

- And even if you do, destroy it as soon as you realise what you’ve done. Don’t keep mass producing it.

- Lesson? It’s lucky I didn’t go see Resident Evil 5, because clearly that would’ve got really weird.

LESSON 2: YOU DON’T NEED LESSONS ON ZOMBIES, YOU KNOW IT ALL ALREADY.

The part I find most unbelieveable about Zombie films is not the Zombies themselves as you may have guessed, especially not since those crazy drug guys eating people’s flesh in the states have brought the fantasy way closer to reality.

The most unbelieveable part is that the Zombies somehow manage to achieve an apocalypse. Because everybody, literally everybody, has seen so many films about zombies that in reality it would be impossible for it to get that out of hand.

You know the quintessential scene where the guy cautiously approaches a (former) loved one, thinking they’re just a little sick, but then the Zombie bites them and they still can’t believe what’s happening? If that played out today, their reaction would instantaneously be “here’s a massive stereotype staring me straight in the face, quick, shoot it in the head twice and don’t let it bite you.” The Zombie virus wouldn’t spread so far as your immediate family, let alone the entire country.

Lesson? You’ve just got to know better than every shmuck in every zombie film by now, and being thoroughly accustomed with the cliché that is now the Zombie genre, you’ll manage to avoid every pitfall and manage to live out your days with your brain happily in tact.

I guess I can’t really backdate this lesson if you haven’t seen a Zombie film since the 70’s, because in the 90’s we invented the running Zombie, and that would totally catch all you Hippies off guard. But I feel like there’s probably nothing we can add to the genre these days that would be such a game changer.

Unless the mindless, humanity hating legions are now somehow indistinguishable from office workers. But you’re either already surviving that dystopia, or have become a part of it.

LESSON 3: ONLY ATTRACTIVE WHITE MALES WHO’VE LOST THEIR VIRGINITY SURVIVE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSES

Alright let’s say a Zombie apocalypse does somehow, mind bogglingly, manage to occur. After all, it happened in the 70’s when they could do little more than shuffle and were fooled by stairs. Possibly more a product of that generation’s incompetence, but I don’t want to leave you guys unlearned if it happens, so here’s a handy checklist of when you’ll die in the apocalypse. While the apocalypse isn’t inevitable – that makes it evitable, I guess? – the band of survivors’ order of deaths is absolutely set in concrete. Apply it to any Zombie film you like and see how right I am.

First to Die: Whoever’s reading this checklist instead of fighting off Zombies. You idiot.

Second to Die: Some poorly established nobody. This will usually occur within the first ten minutes, to placate the hordes baying for blood. The audience I mean, not the on screen Zombies. Oh me, sometimes I’m too much.

Third to Die: The Hot Chick. You’ve flashed some side boob, got the audience into the theatre, but frankly the producers don’t have enough money to keep you around any longer, and your high pitched whining is getting super annoying. So your clothes and skin are due to be ripped off any second now, preferably in that order.

Middling to Die: Anyone who is still left around at this point will be slowly picked off. You’re really serving more of a purpose as future intestines rather than actually contributing to the narrative.

Third Last to Die: Look to your left, then look to your right; are you standing next to the main guy and his love interest? If so, sorry buddy, you’ve done well but you’re just not quite going to make it. Look down; if you’re the black guy who sacrifices yourself for the good of the team, it should be pretty obvious. Prepare for your tragic and undeservedly painful end. But at least the other two get out, right? You’re a philanthropist like that, I’m sure. That’s why you’re such a bad ass gun wielding borderline psychopath.

- If you’re not black, and don’t make the mistake of confusing black with just being covered in mud, maybe you’re the best friend comedic relief guy, in which case, die happy in the knowledge that you were the most loved character, if not the best looking, and the producers couldn’t afford to kill you off any earlier than this. Or you know, die angrily in the knowledge that you got stiffed despite your popularity. But make sure you do die. Can’t have you awkwardly third wheeling whilst the end of the world is going on.

- The third alternative is that you’re the nerdy tech guy. You can be Asian if you want, I’m not forcing you, but if you’d like to stick to stereotypes… You’ve lasted this long because your skills are essential for the team’s clearing of the last hurdle, such as opening a door, or working a computer to look up a helpful blog. But once the escape route is clear, kindly let down your hereto impenetrable guard in a moment of stupidity.

Second/Last to Die: It can go a few ways  here.

- It’ll be a traditional happy ending where, bloody but not beaten, both you and your love interest get out alive and are even more in love because of your trials. Pity the whole world’s going to shit. Better get in as much sex as you can.

- Alternatively you get out only to discover your love interest has been bitten some time ago. Better get in as much sex as you can.

- I guess you’re not so much the main guy as the main girl. But the only way that could possibly happen is if you’re a unstoppable super soldier clone with psychic powers yet whose one weakness is that she loves a man.

Lesson? You thought Resident Evil was a dumbed down Zombie slasher flick, whereas it’s actually a dumbed down sexist fantasy. So there you go!