I know, huh. What a fucking struggle it must have been writing this one.

Although to be fair, I’m intentionally not mentioning the actual politics that politicians represent, as they’re obviously free to push any agenda they like at their own risk – that’s how democracy works.  And I’m intentionally not mentioning how they look or dress, because that’s how genetics and shopping at The Big Beige And Grey Man-Made Fibres Discount Clothing Store works. And I’m intentionally not mentioning any individual politicians specifically, because of course I’ll save that for when I write What’s Shitting Me About… Condescending Conservative Motherfuckers.

So once I take all that away, all that’s left that shits me about politicians is, like… everything.

Having An Opposing View

So you’re a member of the opposition, and you have an opposing view to the party that’s in government? REPORT YOURSELF IMMEDIATELY TO THE WHOOP-DI-DOO OMBUDSMAN. This is as stunning as opening a jar of olives and finding olives inside, or if you’re one of the party’s funding organisations, change that to preserved lemons or truffles or bottles of Shiraz with little bits of gold and oil tankers floating in it. You know that simply having an opposing view isn’t the same as having an actual fucking policy, right? And you also know that saying that the other side’s policy is a bit shit isn’t the same as having an actual fucking opposing view, right?  Get a dictionary and give me a truffle.

Being Short-Sighted.

Imagine – just imagine – having a policy that’s aimed at more than just getting you re-elected. The kind of thing that’s good for the country, rather than just good for the polls. The kind of thing that might not be popular with big business or people who believe in God. Something that might be unpopular in the short-term, but ultimately good in the long term (not including taxes, because that’s just crowd-funding, and every kid with a podcast or a band knows how to do that). Imagine something like legalising same-sex marriage, for example. Sure, it would have a very real chance of making sure that the bigots who can’t see that same-sex marriage wouldn’t actually change their lives one tiny bit would burn you at the electoral stake, but on the plus side, you would, oh I don’t know – GO DOWN IN HISTORY AS AWESOME FOREVER. If being re-elected is more important to you than making sure everyone in your electorate has the same basic rights, though, that’s fine too, THINGUMMY-JIG WHOSE NAME I CAN’T REMEMBER AND WON’T EVEN LOOK FOR ON THE BALLOT FORM.

Keeping Secrets.

So just to get this straight, you want us to elect you. Our taxes pay you. You, in theory at least, represent us. Is it completely out of the question that you tell us what you’re fucking doing, how you’re spending our fucking money, and why you’re treating us like kids at the supermarket, pretending that there’s no lolly aisle and that they make biscuits out of worms now? Tell pause us pause the pause fucking pause truth exclamation mark.

Answering The Question. Answering it.

When a journalist asks you a question, you could get all crazy up in here and, just for argument’s sake – ANSWER THE THING. I dare you. I fucking dare you.

Belittling, stupid, over-simplified, repeated-ad-nauseam slogans and catchphrases that don’t do anything except fill air-time and make you seem scripted, like ‘Stop The Boats’, ‘Moving Forward’, ‘Working Families’ and ‘No Poofters’

Nup.