Two months ago I joined a gym for the first time, so obviously I’m now an expert on everything gym-related, on top of all my other areas of expertise including jazz runs, emotional scarring via sarcasm and that thing you do where you imagine how a fictional conversation would go while you’re in the shower. [...]
English is a wonderfully expressive language. Sure, it’s a naked horse-riding bitch mistress when it comes to rule consistency and Scrabble, but for all intensive purposes*, when used properly it can really be one sexy motherfucker. So why people have to do some of this shit with it is beyond me. Lying about your age. [...]
I love Twitter. Twitter has, directly or indirectly, provided me with money, work, friends, drinks, red hot nookie and more opportunities to use upper case than I could ever have hoped for, and what Twitter lacks in actual, tangible bacon, it almost makes up for in pictures of bacon. But I’m not one hundred percent [...]
I know, huh. What a fucking struggle it must have been writing this one. Although to be fair, I’m intentionally not mentioning the actual politics that politicians represent, as they’re obviously free to push any agenda they like at their own risk – that’s how democracy works. And I’m intentionally not mentioning how they look or [...]
I’m not one of those people who just hates the Olympics because it’s there, or because everyone else loves it, or because I missed out on my dream of becoming a hurdler, or because I’m protesting until they include the moonwalk as a demonstration sport. I’m not even one of those people who actually hates [...]
Everything.
Airports. I like what they represent, sure – holidays, new horizons, returning darlings, departing weird relatives, another haul of unpasteurised soft cheeses successfully smuggled through customs in vacuum-sealed packs in your underwear. But unless you like ham sandwiches that curl up at the edges, paying for parking with gold bullion and staring at the back [...]
Aah, drinking. It’s the social equivalent of eating crackling for one hour and then having a pig fart in your face for six. We keep coming back for more drinking, even though four hours of pleasant boozing can turn into most of a day of hating yourself, your life, and the inanimate objects you keep [...]
Let’s not even pretend you don’t know I’m a wanker. Everybody knows I’m a wanker. My mother calls me a wanker. If you look up ‘wanker’ in the dictionary, there’s just a picture of an empty room, because I was too cool to turn up for the photo shoot that day. One of the [...]
Reality television is amazing. Reality shows are the kind of shows where, if you can make it through two and a half episodes, you’re hooked for life. I could watch a camera trained on a wombat’s arsehole as long as there was suspenseful production music and an ad break right before he laid a turd [...]
